Grace. Guilt. Grief

                 

            Be Still.

        I read again..and again. Be still.

    What an odd thing to not know how to do. In my mind I'm the best at "being still". You'll never catch me running on a treadmill, or keeping the cleanest house or being the life of the party. My activities that I prefer rather fall into the category of "still"

I like to watch hours of YouTube of people doing literally almost nothing- haha! Putting on makeup, home tours and sometimes just vlogs. Like I said literally doing nothing. My favorite time of day is when (and if) my three year old takes a nap. (Hang with me here) yes its nice to have a moment where I don't have to watch him but what I love most is..nothing. haha! I just lay there. and for a moment I am still. Or at least I thought.

See the thing about nothing is it is the sister to busy.. and their common family trait? Distraction. 

It's been two months. Two. Whole. Months. Since I gave birth and lost my son all in the same day. I remember so vividly and also like a fog. Two Months. Four days after birth we started planning the funeral for Elias. When Zeke became deathly ill. Yes, you are reading that right. Four days after losing my second born, we thought we would lose Zeke. Thankfully they were able to identify the problem and fix it. We were in the hospital for a week with him. Also- not to mention- the global pandemic which limited all vistors to.. none. haha We spent a lot of family time together in our tiny little ICU room and for that week after Elias I thought little about him. As horrible as that is to say. I was too focused on Zeke. It wasn't until his funeral It all came rushing back in the worst way.

There he was in a little casket. My boy. My baby. The little one who had moved inside of me for the past nine months. The one who's name occupied my every prayer, the one I was given to protect, love and cherish. His little body in a white casket with a brown teddy bear. and I was sitting in a chair less than 3 feet away from it. Holding myself back from throwing my self on it. Sceaming "I'm not ready Lord, I'm not ready to say goodbye."

I had very little to do with the funeral process. My Mom and Jeff did about everything. I told Jeff "I don't heal at funeral." and looking back, I don't think anyone does. But for me. It was all I didn't want to do..be still and think of the life of the child, my child. That was over on this earth. and how deeply heartbroken I was, I am.

The funeral director approached me as I walked down the hill, alone. I stared at the little casket. He graciously and slightly confused asked "Are you with the family?" 

"I'm Momma."

He looked surprised. Because, I wasn't sad? Or upset. We had a casual conversation you know the one- "Crazy year blah blah, it's cold out here blah blah blah.' and not a single. tear. fell from my face, 

I'm great at small talk, and evidently I'm great at hiding too. 

You can hide in about anything if you try hard enough. You can hide in work, you can hide in busy, you can even hide in...nothing. And if you are really good. You can even hide from yourself.

Two Months. about 50 days. and I have hid. Until I couldn't hide anymore.

Zeke by the grace of God recovered, and is able to go back to school, and run and climb and sit on the dishwasher and take 14 baths a day and do all the three year old things I love.. and drive me up the wall. hahaha! 🤣 So that meant it was time to be full blown Mom. Jeff had gone back to work, Zeke started back to school.. and all the sudden I turned into everything I had ever wanted to be..productive 😂.

The first day Zeke went back to school. I got my todo list done I had planned..FOR THE WHOLE MONTH. Grocery shopping, meal planning, I even joined weight watchers. KILLED IT for a whole...5 days..maybe? Called the insurance company (which that in it's self I had put off for months) 

I was killin' it.

but..it was actually killing me.

You know what I find interesting? Grieving. I really do. How God designed the human heart to grieve.

So even if you hide. You can't hide for long.

Day 4 of being super woman and it all came crashing down (lasted longer than I thought it would, honestly) I looked at the back of Zeke head when he was sleeping, and it all came. CRASHING DOWN.

Yep. The back of my kids head is what sent me over the edge. Because one of the only pictures I have of his brother alive is the back of his head- him and Zeke are both built like line backers with gorgeous flowing hair. And the pain that I only have one of them here with me  just ate me alive.

When I say I lost it..I mean. I. LOST. IT

I stopped eating. I couldn't move out of bed. I couldn't function. Not only was super woman no where to be found but Becca wasn't, either.

I was forced. To be still. To think of my son, the purpose and worse the pain. All of it flooded back like it happened 20 minutes ago. I couldn't. I just couldn't. and I was so frustrated because I was killing it, you know?

but sadly..just like nothing and everything it had been my hiding place, but pain found me. There was nothing I could do, I was found. 

Which brings me here. This blog- this is my still. A place where I acknowledge the pain, but also my son & all he was to me and still is. Also where I feel God. I never considered myself "a writer" all I know is this is where I feel like where God is healing me. A healthy space to write it down but also study and feel the Lord, and feel healed. Because the only thing that puts my heart at ease better than hiding, is being held.

So here we are. Being still. Knowing, trusting and healing. Not is nothing, not in everything but exactly where God has designed our hearts to be..held.